Harry Potter and the Lump of Rock
by TheHypers
Summary: Bored of Harry Potter? Well so were we when we made this, we have entered Harry Potter's Hogwarts journey and twisted everything around! Random! Stupid! Hopefully hilarious!
1. Harry meets an Ogre

**HPP Chapter 1**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Medows91_

Anonymous

"**Ok, Harry." Said Uncle Vernon, blindfolding Harry and leading him to the driveway. "Today you can finally leave us and join your parents." **

"**Umm…" Said Harry, "Aren't my parents dead?"**

"**Yes…well – no, you'll see what I mean soon enough." Answered Uncle Vernon, placing Harry under the front wheel of the car and getting into the car behind the wheel. "Time to say goodbye to the world!" He yelled, starting the car.**

**Harry gasped and jumped up onto the windscreen. Shocked that he couldn't see anything, Uncle Vernon swerved out of control and ran over Mrs Figg's only living cat.**

_Eventually Harry fell of the windscreen and saw a banana peel sticking out of the trash bin. He picked it up and threw it under the wheel and watched the lovely sight of Uncle Vernon zoom up a hill and fall into a pond. _

An ogre appeared scratching his bum and holding a leash leading to a three-headed dog. The ogre reached into his jacket and into garbage bins along the way, bringing out raw hunks of rotting meat and dead animals, throwing them at Fluffy, who was the dog.

"Eat 'em raw Fluffy, eat 'em bloody, oh, is that you Harry?"

"Y-y-yes."

"Good, now I'm the gamekeeper of a magical school for abnormal people, would you like to come to a non-existent village and buy spell books with me, and run through a platform to get to the other side?" He said, now reading a guide on how to breed dragons illegally.

**Harry hesitated, thinking of what Uncle Vernon would do to him, thought the better of it and said, "Sure."**

"**Excellent," Said the ogre "I'm Hagrid, Hagrid Beer-breath."**

"**Umm…ok." Said Harry, glancing at the car and a pile of rubble that used to be a wall, "Let's go right now before Uncle wakes up and tries to kill me again." **

"_Okay, if ya have to." Said Hagrid, "We need the go to London then to Gringo, our wizarding bank." Said Hagrid, "What school am I going to?"_

"_Hogwarts."_

They caught the underground train that was like a roller coaster and all of Hagrid's money jangled out. Harry had the idea that there were goblins collecting them underneath. Finally they stopped at a red dragon. "Your money." Said the immensely tall goblin, "Is in there."

The dragon opened its mouth and a bright stream of scarlet smoke erupted, then in the depths, Harry saw a pile of huge fat gallons.

**After Harry had gathered all the money he could, they travelled back outside. "Okay Harry," Said Hagrid, "You go into this shop and buy your uniform." He pointed to a huge shop with a picture of a nude woman on it. "And I'll go and have a drink of alcohol." **

**Harry nervously stepped into the shop and was relieved there was another kid in it. The tall blonde boy turned his head to Harry, "Hello." He said, "Nice scar." **

**Harry touched the scar on his forehead, "Thanks." He said, "I got it when my parents car slipped on a banana peel and we flew off a cliff." **

**The boy pulled a packet of cigarettes out of his pocket, "No ya didn't." He said, lighting one. **

"_Who is that ogre? Oops…I forgot to introduce myself I'm Draco Malfoy." Said the blonde (in both ways) kid._

"_That ogre is called Hagrid. He's the Hogwarts game-"_

"_Oh, I have heard of him, I am going now, bye."_

_Soon afterwards, Harry left. "What's next, Hagrid? Can we get a cauldron?"_

"_NO! We will get you a birthday present!" Hagrid exclaimed._

"_Wait a moment, how do you know when my birthday is?" Harry asked._

"_Oh well I'm a stalk- Well, I'm pro at guessing!"_

Harry narrowed his eyes, Hagrid disappeared into a post office, and there was a loud squawking screech, several shouts and then Hagrid squeezed out wheezing heavily. His two pupils crossed, "Sorry 'Arry bu' I'm kicked out, blimey these birds tried to eat me! Shall I get you another present?" Then he hiccupped and spewed into a nearby cauldron.

**A young man wearing a hood staggered out of the nearby shop, "Oh s***!" he muttered, "You're the fifth person to do that this week. The rest were from the pub." He stared at Harry and started shaking, "G-god dammit." He stammered, "Y-you're H-H-H…" A SLIGHTLY overweight boy with red hair in the street spun around, "Oh f***, IT'S HARRY POTTER!" He started panting, "I'm Ron Weesel." He panted, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a chocolate bar. Every one tried to crowd around them, but whenever anyone got too close, Hagrid would hit them and send them flying back. The guy with the hood backed away slowly, turned, and ran.**

"_Umm…What are we doing next Hagrid?" _

"_Oh let's get your wand. From that err…shop being vandalized." Said Hagrid._

"_HEY Draco!" Yelled Harry._

Draco dropped his pen and bolted, Hagrid shrugged, "Okay let's go." Mr Olive was a huddled up old man, all twisted, like a dried up lemon. He smiled grimly at Harry and reached into his robes, bringing out a container full of sex pills to give errections. "Mmm…so tasty. Oh ye-oops, heh." Mr Olive said, wiping his mouth and smoothing his robes around the middle.

"S-s-s-so, Harry Potter. I remember your mum, it was like yesterday. Mmm, she came in here and stabbed her sister with all her wands, the one she got gave her sister an electric shock, hmm."

"So all I have to do is stab Org-oops, Hagrid?" Harry asked.

"No, just hold the wands." Harry sighed, disappointed.

**Mr Olive picked up an armful of wands and umped them all onto Harry's head. They all clattered the ground around his feet. Harry bent down and picked up a nice looking wand that reminded him of a dog's private. Immediately, red and gold sparks flew out and hit Mr Olive in the head, sending him sprawling over to the other end of the shop. "Quick." Hissed Hagrid, grabbing Harry by the arm and dragging him out of the shop. **

**When they were outside Harry asked, "Shouldn't we pay for this?" He lifted up the wand. **

**Hagrid shook his head. "Nah, the best things in life are free." **

Then they arrived at the bookstore, Harry gaped. There were books floating in the air that looked wonderful, but when you neared them the cover suddenly smacked you on the head. There were lots of crates, boxes, shelves and enclosures for books.

Some snapped, others moved around and a couple of books changed from being visible to invisible to transparent. A crew all dressed in black robes ran around, pick-pocketing all the costumers and trying to usher them to make sales.

"I-i-it's like," Harry stammered, and paused when he saw a book suddenly explode and one floating away from a scruffy hag wearing a thick pair of sheep liver gloves, "A living hell."

**They purchased the books they needed as quickly as possible and left. When they got outside the boy, Ron was waiting for them. He hung out with Harry as they waited outside a potion ingredients store for Hagrid to finish stealing ingredients. **

"**How did you know who I was?" Questioned Harry, "Everyone seems to." **

**Ron took a huge bite out of a frog-shaped chocolate and gagged, "You don't know?" He coughed, spitting out the sweet into his hand. It looked like there was a real frog inside. **

"Oh what's that?" Asked Harry as Hagrid ticked some things of the list and ate a snickers bar he stole from a muggle vending machine. "Oh this," Said Ron casually, "It's just a chocolate frog." Then he reached into his 'snack-pack' and brought out a gumball, he ate five in one go and blew a bubble bigger then his face.

"Uhh…okay…umm…" Harry found it really awkward talking to the now 1m radius bubble. "Wanna be friends?" Asked Ron.

The bubble burst and Ron was covered in sticky pink stuff, which he ate. "What?"  
"Uhh…nothing." Said Harry.

"**Nonono! Sure it's gonna be awesome if I'm your friend." Ron said, pulling a small bag out of his snack-pack and handing it to Harry. Harry looked inside, if was full of colourful jellybeans, he picked a red and brown one and put it his mouth, immediately, he spat it onto the pavement and glared at Ron, who looked embarrassed, "Sorry," he muttered, "I should have warned you that those beans are every flavour." He picked out a yellow one and bit into it. He spat it out onto Hagrid's shoes, "Ugh, olive oil."**

_One Month Later…_

"_It's soon time Ronniekins to catch the train to Hogwarts," Said Mrs Weesel, and so they set off to the platform 9 and 3 quarters, As Harry sat on the train and said "My Hogwarts journey begins!"_


	2. I like Trains!

**HPP Chapter 2**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Medows91_

Anonymous

"_We shall sing our school song!" Yelled Fred, Ron's brother. Then Fred bellowed: _

"_Hogwarts has a sorting hat, and the sexual underwear. We love it so much we wish it to be human."_

"Come suck Dumbledore's dick,

I know he's a bit sick.

We can float people,

And turn them purple!

But, watch out!

Danger's about!

Don't snap your wand,

The one up in your hand,

Otherwise it's wrong.

Look after your boobs,

Peeves has tubes,

Which suck the tits away.

Oh, didehoohay!

Motherf**ker,

It's Hogwarts!

"**Fred, please," Muttered Ron, "Not in public!" **

"**Spoilsport." Said George, Fred's twin.**

"**Let's make a parody of it!" **

**Ron face-palmed himself and reached into his snack-pack and pulled out two chocolate frogs. He offered one to Harry, but Harry just shook his head.**

"**No thanks," He said, "They don't look too appetising."**

**Ron shook his head, "No, it's fine. If you just suck on it and don't bite them at all, you can get all the chocolate off and avoid the dead frog."**

"**Are the bones taken out?" Questioned Harry, "Please tell me they are."**

**Ron hesitated, "Well…they actually aren't. But-" He said quickly, "It makes them more crunchy."**

"**Err…no thanks." Answered Harry. At that moment the train started moving.**

Soon, Malfoy entered with two fat cronies. He made a funny noise at Harry, it was like a dog's bark mixed with a cat's sneeze. "So, I heard that Potter's on the train."

Harry looked at Crappe and Gargoyle, each had a pudgy nose the size of a fairly large doorknob, fat wrinkled around they're neck and they looked enormously like they were wearing life saving rings. (It was due to all their fat bunching up.)

Ron wrinkled his nose, Malfoy snickered at him, then brought out his handkerchief to wipe his nose. "Oh, red hair, freckles, more children then you could afford, fat, you must be a weasel." Malfoy smirked triumphantly.

"Well at least my parents aren't drug smugglers." Shouted Ron.

"Your father's a dr-" Began Harry questionly.

"Yes, he worked for the ghost that tried to kill your parents, want to become friends with me Potter?"

"Ghost?"

"Well…I don't know, he was most certainly alive at the time, not sure about now."

"Oh well, no thanks Malf*ck." Harry said.

Ron sniggered as Malfoy disappeared, muttering swearwords, Crappe and Gargoyle followed, sniggering at Harry's joke, but then stopping after a slapping noise.

**Harry turned to Ron, "Do you know him?" He asked.**

**Ron nodded, "Yeah, his father works for the ministry. Mine too. Except my dad works to disable magical muggle items, he works to stop drug smugglers…even though he is one."**

"**How did you know me?"**

"**Huh?"**

"**Everyone seems to know me." Said Harry, looking out of the window. "Draco does, you do, that ogre-I mean, Hagrid does. Even that random hooded guy did." **

**Ron stared at him, "Mother f**ker, you don't know?"**

Curosity engulfed him, Harry started trembling a little, "Know what? It's something about my past right?"

"Yep, and it's not that spectacular, well…okay, this guy murdered your parents."

Harry felt shocked, he froze, then burst out laughing, "Oh Ron, good one, really. You nearly had me there with your sincere look and stuff, but honestly, that'll be too boring. So, how did they really die that I don't know?"

Ron figeted a little uncomfortably, "Uhh…it's all true."

**He looked up, "Ask anyone. This guy named Vol-" He stopped, took a shaky breath and said, "Vol-vol-voldem-vol-voldemort." He leaned close and whispered, "Don't EVER say his name."**

"**Who, Voldemort?" Asked Harry and Ron shot back so quickly, he hit his head on the wall.**

"**Just call him You-Know-Who." He said.**

"**Voldemort?"**

"**YES!" Yelled Ron, he took a pink bean out of his snack-pack and put it in his mouth to calm himself down. "Anyway," He said (It must have been a nice flavour), "This guy became really powerful, nd he began to gain heaps of follwers. Most drug smugglers or prostitutes, only a handful were scared of him and joined, another handful just had bag lives and wanted to end them soon."**

"**What's that got to do with my parents dying?" Asked Harry impatiently,**

"**Well this bloke, or ghost, or some sort of creature You-Know-Who turned up at your house when you were about 1 year old and killed your parents. I suppose he tried to rape your father until he realized he was a man. Then he just killed him. Then," Said Ron, "He tried to kill you, but that d***head's curse backfired and hit him. He flew out of the window and landed on the pavement beneath. Noone saw him since. He probably ran away, ashamed he got beaten by a badass baby."**

Suddenly a tall bossy looking girl with bushy hair and buck teeth walked in. Hauling a short chubby, stammering boy by the penis. She plonked down angrily and pulled the boy onto her. "Golly it's noisy out there; the first years are behaving like monkeys!" She said quickly, then smiled at them, "Why hello, Harry Potter. I know all about you." She blew a bubble with her chewing gum.

Then giggled, "I also know your dirty little secrets, is it true you don't know what 4+7 is?"

Harry stared glumly down ,"N-n-no, it's 12…"

She laughed, "No, I'm Hermione, Hermione Gringo, and this is Neville, he's lost his pet booger, right Neville?"

Ron looked stupidly at her, "Uhh…Ron, Ron Weesel."

"Ron, I heard about you, your mother was in the top ten for witch weekly's most bizarre person."

As quickly as before, Ron slashed out and punched Hermione in the chest, sending her sprawling back into the compartment wall. The luggage callopsed on her, knocking her out into a heap on the ground. Looking incredibly dummy, like her limp arms and legs tangled up.

**Neville turned nervously to Harry, "Hi Harry…err…can I…umm…have your autograph?" Harry out a pencil and paper out of his pocket and quickly wrote his name on it and passed it to Neville, careful not to touch his hand.**

"**Hey Neville, what year is Hermione in?" Asked Ron, gulping down a chocolate frog whole. Who would've have guessed he had just knocked a girl out?**

"**Oh, Hermione," Said Neville, putting the paper in his pocket, "She's in first year, hypocritical, isn't she?"**

**Harry and Ron nodded in agreement. Suddenly the train pulled to a screeching stop. So quickly that Ron flew forward into Harry, and Neville was thrown off his feet and landed on Hermione, who woke up, rubbing her head. Fred and George came running into the compartment. "Sorry about that." Said Fred, pulling Ron off Harry. "We should of warned you, we planted some mimes on the tracks outside the station, y'know. To give everyone a scare."**

**Harry sat up, "You sure did give us a scare. In fact, I won't be surprised if the driver had a heart attack."**

"**Yeah, the whole front of the Hogwarts Express is smashed ed. I think he HAS died." Said George, looking slightly embarrassed.**

_Neville yelled, "Help! It's an ogre!" As he ducked under the seat. _

"_Err…Neville, that's Hagrid." Answered Harry. _

"'_irst years! Come 'ear to go to Hogwarts."_

They got on carriages drawn on invisibility horses. Hagrid passed a bottle of what smelled like beer and everyone took a gulp.

Hagrid was red faced and hiccupped loudly, "That's the drinking spirit!" He said to Ron, who drank a large mouthful. Unfortunately, they got in the same carriage as Hermione, who refused her drink with an air of disapproval.

"What is this stuff?" She said sharply, passing it to Harry. Ron made a snatch for it, already hyper and mental.

My, mines! RONALD'S BEER!" He screamed.

"Ronald's already had too much." Hermione herded nosily. Harry took a sip, it was hot and light as well as warm. It guzzled down his throat delightedly, what was the stuff? "Mm." Harry moaned, taking another mouthful. His vision became blurry.

Neville and an stout faced girl were also in the carriage, "Can I drink it?" He asked, voice quivering. Harry tried to hide the bottle with his hands, or what he thought were his hands.

Turned out they were the girl's, who jerked it sharply away. Yelping as if Harry had bitten her, he might have, it's hard to tell when your in his state.

"Ouch!" She screamed, nursing her hand. Hagrid got attracted to that scream, and made a grab for the bottle, cross-eyed.

After three tries he managed to pull it away, muttering, 'ya shouldn't dr'nk." Then he poured the remaining contents down his throat. Harry groaned, being weaker and 1 foot shorter then the rest he fell down in a drunken sleep just as the carriages entered the grounds of Hogwarts.


	3. An Interesting Sorting

**HPP Chapter 3**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Medows91_

Anonymous

**Harry opened his eyes to find he was lying in a dungeon, surrounded by other unconscious first years. An old women was standing at the door, arguing with Malfoy.**

"**Why can't we go out yet?"**

"**Everyone needs to wake up first."**

"**I'm awake, can't I go?" "No, you need to listen to my lecture on the school houses." **

"**Can't you tell me now?"**

"**No, I'll tell everyone, plus, Dumbledore needs to finish telling off Hagrid for getting the first years drunk the fifth year in a row."**

**Eventually Malfoy gave up, stormed into a corner and started eating some drugs when he thought no one was looking.**

**Ron was the last person to wake up. Probably because he drank the most. During the women's (Her name was Professor Mcgonna) long, boring speech about the four school houses (Called Slytherin, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw) Ron whispered to Harry; "I should drink more, maybe it'll stop me from fainting." Professor Mcgonna was finishing off her speech, "When I lead you out, you will be sorted into houses." And with that she opened the door. **

**The great hall was huge. There were four long tables and one other table on the side. There were candles hanging over the hall, dripping wax over all the kids. Half of them were holding umbrellas over their heads.**

**Mcgonna held a mouldy, ragged hat in one hand, and a pink pair of underpants in the other. "It's time for the sorting." She said, "The sorting hat will tell you what house you're going to be in, the underwear of sexual prototypes will tell us if your totally gay, bisexual or straight." Then she pulled out a list, "Okay, first-up is Pansy Parkison." **

A pug-faced, hell-ugly kid jumped up and strutted to the chair, the hat slid over her head, "Oh yeah, mmm, you've got some marvellous secrets." The hat said from a hole in the front.

Pansy screamed, "No-no, not my secret! Don't tell anybody I'm actually a mu-" She clamped her mouth shut.

"Unnecessary loud voice, high anger level, must be, SLYTHERIN!"

The Slytherin table cheered loudly, then Pansy put on the pink underwear. It tingled and glowed before shouting, "Bi-sexual!"

**Ron looked at Harry, "Boy I'm excited, aren't you?"**

**Harry gulped, "Does it mean I'm gay if…if…I've got nude pictures of Dudley in the shower?"**

"**Hey cheer up," Said Ron, "I heard that the underwear said Fred and George were gay. She also said that George wishes he were a she, but anyone can tell that from the pink nail polish, skin-tight leggings and the way he walks." These words cheered Harry up a lot. **

**Neville leaned forward and said, "My Gran told me she was a complete lesbian." He smiled, "Just like how Dumbledore was told he was completely gay. Gran likes being like him." **

"My mother was metro-sexual," Ron announced.

"Huh?" Said Harry.

"She's attracted to several different men at the same time, that's why our family's so big." Ron explained.

Hermione wrinkled her nose, "My parents are totally straight and so am I." She said proudly.

"You may be straight but your teeth is crooked." Ron stated, he and Harry sniggered stupidly, while they waited for their turn.

"_Harry Potter!" Yelled Mcgonna, Harry put on the sorting hat and the sexual underwear. "Gryffindor!" Shouted the hat._

**Harry held his breath, "Oooh…" Said the underwear, "You've got nudes of your cousin under your bed…but you only use them to blackmail him…I'm ashamed to admit it, but you're straight." The hall moaned, "Okay okay, your completely gay!" Everyone at the Gryffindor table cheered. Ron looked really jealous, "Wow," He said, high-fiving Harry. Harry ran over to the Gryffindor table. George patted him on the back.**

"**Great job!" He said, "I got bi-curious when I was in first year." **

**Fred nodded solemnly, "Yeah, and I got bi-sexual, I like Angelina." He said, nodding to a muscular girl with hair that looked like it had been electrocuted. "And I also absolutely lurvve Marcus Flint." He pointed to a tall boy at the Slytherin table who had his hair tied back in pigtails. **

"**Is Flint…bi-curious too?" Asked Harry nervously.**

"**Nah, he got gay, bi-sexual and metro-sexual." Said Ron's brother Percy, "But I got straight." He said, lifting his head up higher.**

"**No you didn't,' Said Fred, "You were metro-sexual, like mum." **

**Percy went red, "No I-I didn't." **

Harry wanted to laugh along, but then he glimpsed Hermione getting on. "Hmm, your very perfect academically but you have a few embarrassing secrets, hmm." Said the hat.

"Be quiet!" Snapped Hermione.

"Outspoken rude girl, no boobs, brave for contradicting me and who nurses a secret crush for Ron, definitely Gryffindor!"

The huge Gryffindor table cheered. Then Hermione hopped into the pink underwear which glowed once again. Then it said in a high silky voice, "Hmm…I pronounce you…STRAIGHT!"

The hall screamed and Hermione headed to the Gryffindor table. Harry made a face at her, and she burst into tears. Fred patted her on the back, sticking a poster of 'forever alone' on it. George pretended to stroke her hair but instead, transfigured it pink. Harry sniggered rudely at her with another bunch of Gryffindors.

"_Ron Weasley," Cried Mcgonna, Ron tried on the hat._

"_Gryffindor!"_

"Brave, obese and incredibly stupid!" Declared the hat. Then Ron slipped on the underwear of sexual harassment and groaned. "Ooh yeah." He murmured.

"Hetro-sexual! Attracted to all people who are attracted to him!" Shouted the underwear, Ron headed to the Gryffindor table and smiled.

"Yes!" He said, then saw Hermione crying, "Laws of etiquette say you shouldn't stare." She announced. Ron sniggered,

"You never said I couldn't snigger."

Then Hermione suddenly caught sight of her reflection in her plate and screamed. She grabbed her plate and smashed it on her hair, still screaming. Hermione then realized everyone was staring at her and some of the ghosts were sniggering behind their hands but since they were transparent Hermione saw.

**Harry tried to distract himself by looking over to who was being sorted. It was Draco Malfoy.**

"**Okay, let's see." Said the sorting hat, "Father's a drug smuggler, extremely protective over almost 99% of you becoming a deatheater. Hangs out with two complete weirdos with no lives, obviously Slytherin!" **

"**Right." Said the underwear, "You are definitely straight." **

"**Wah-no." Gasped Malfoy, "I wanna be metro-sexual." He paused, and then cried, "Like my father."**

"**Okay let's check again." Muttered the irritated underwear, "Oh yeah, crushing on that buck-toothed nerdy girl Miss Gringo is it? Yeah, the Gryffindor one. A slight attraction to the pug - oops, Pansy Parkison and an obsession with her 6 year old sister. Yeah, metro-sexual it is!" **

"**Good," Breathed Malfoy, "If it were anything else, I'd ask dad to sue you." **

When the sorting ended, suddenly there was a terrific explosion and the throne at the head table exploded into Professor Dumbledore. Harry had heard about him and his eccentricness but nothing could prepare him for what happened next.

Dumbledore pulled hotdogs out of the gap between his legs and flung them to all the tables, he pulled down his cloak and magically it changed to salad and floated to the tables.

"Girls and boys1" He began his speech in a very girly high voice, "This is the start of another year! Of good or bad noone knows, now Flich the cleaner has asked for the Sex Room to be out of bounds. Noone is allowed to go to the third floor corridor and all first, second, third years are forbidden to the forbidden forest."

Then he stepped down from the table, conjured another throne and raised his goblet, "May the feast begin!"

_Ron at by stuffing his face with as much food as he could get into his mouth at the same time._

**Harry put everything he could reach into his plate and shoved half the stuff into his mouth so fast he had to spit it all out. Out of all the places he spat it was at a ghost cross-dressing as a female. Luckily the half-chewed food went through him and hit Hermione, who took one look at her clothes and screamed. "Could you do that again?" Asked the ghost, "I can slightly taste the food if you do that." **

**He tried to face palm himself but his hand went right through his head, "Oh dear, where are my manners." He dived out of view and his head popped up in the middle of the table. Several first years screamed. Neville tried to throw a bowl of salad at the ghost, but that too went through him and hit Hermione in the face. "My name is Sir Nickass Nickleback." He said, all of a sudden, his head fell off. Well, it nearly fell off, it would of if it weren't for a tiny piece of ghostly flesh that held his head on. So it hung loosely onto the side of his neck. Causing all the first years to scream and cower in fright. **

**Embarrassed, Nick straightened his head and said, "Umm…hi, welcome to Hog pimples - I mean, Hogwarts." **

**Neville shivered, "You're not going to eat us, are you?" He whimpered. **

St Nick laughed, "No, of course not." There he began a long speech on why was it physically impossible for a ghost to eat students.

Harry meanwhile studied the head table, there was Professor Quirrell, who was rubbing baby food to the back of his head, and beside him, Professor Snape.

A livid man who ate through his nostril. Suddenly Snape turned his head and grinned at Harry, Harry's scar throbbed.

Harry put a hand to his fore head then the feeling passed. "Harry, are you alright?" Asked Percy, who was trying to eat a book.

"Uhh…yeah." He said, though he knew as long as he was within a 10m radius from Snape, things were not alright.

"_Penis" Yelled Fred so loudly that everyone in the dinning room stared at him._

"_What?" George yelled. _

"_We're playing the penis game. You need to yell penis the loudest." Said Fred. _

"**PENIS!" Yelled George even louder.**

"**Shut up!" Yelled the cleaner, Filch, a dumpy looking man who looked like he breathed in cocaine confiscated from the students. Fred and George exchanged sneaky glances and George raised a whistle to his lips and blew as loud as possible. There was a high pitched giggle and a poltergeist came floating through the wall. **

"**Why did you do that?" He asked, his voice as high pitched as his laugh. "I just found the helium chamber on the fifth floor."**

"**Oh no!" Yelled Percy as he grabbed a broom. "Did you leave the door open Pee?"**

**Percy swung the broom.**

**The broom went through him.**

"**It's Peeves." Growled the poltergeist. But since the helium was still effecting him, he sounded a bit like a fly. **

"**Help me kill him Professor Flitwik!" Yelled Percy, he turned to the teacher's table to see a 1 foot midget asleep in his food. Peeves laughed so hard that transparent puke came out of his mouth and landed on Hermione's head, Mcgonna raised her wand and the puke flew back into Peeve's mouth. Cursing in his high voice, he flew away.**

"**Well done, Madonna!" Cried Dumbledore.**

"**Mcgonna." Muttered Mcgonna.**

"**PENIS!" Yelled a tall boy with dreadlocks coming in through the door. "Lee Jordan's in the house! I missed the Hogwarts Express, so I drove my dad's car illegally here." He sat down next to Fred. "Did you know that car can fly?" He asked, "In fact, I was so amazed, I forgot to turn the invisibility off, so heaps of muggles saw and thought they were hallucinating." **

A babble of chatter broke out, suddenly all the main meals vanished and desserts appeared. There were ice blocks, ice cream, chocolate fudge, lollies, jelly beans, teleporting marshmallows and lots more. "The thing I love about wizarding food," Said Ron, "Is that you can eat as much as you want and it won't hurt you. Even if you choke, watch this."

He picked up two popsicles and placed them in his mouth, sucking and licking until all that was left were the sicks. He threw a bunch of sugared almonds in his mouth and munched, coughing up the seeds. Then Ron flipped a bowl of fudge in his mouth, followed by lemonade.

Ron gurgled, then swallowed and gasped, "See? If I did that with muggle food I would've died!"

"Wow!" Said Harry, "So that's how magicians do it!"

Then he squeezed a whole cream cake in his mouth by ten mouthfuls. This was going to be fun.

_Hermione sat 5 seats away and her clothes were bewitched to be see through. "Hermione, where's your clothes?" Fred asked._

_Hermione looked down and said, "WHO bewitched my clothes?"_

_Everyone shrugged, most giggled at the site of this._

**Hermione got up and dashed out of the room. Quirrell looked up, "Umm. I w-wouldn't d-do that if I w-were y-you." He muttered, "There's a t-t-t-troll loose in the castle." As soon as he finished talking, everyone started, flailing their arms about and screaming. **

"**Everyone, calm down!" Yelled Dumbledore, getting up. When noone did, he used a silencing charm on the mall. He turned to Quirrell to ask him how he knew about the troll only to find that Quirrell had slumped onto the table, unconscious. **

**Meanwhile, Harry didn't know a silencing charm was on him and he thought he had lost his voice. Luckily he had learned sign language ever since he thought he'd go deaf from Dudley's computer and TV. Ron was able to calm him down with the little sign language he knew. **

All the house prefects headed to the common room with their students. "Come on." Ron yelled, he and Harry ran after Percy who was running as fast as possible.

Percy was secretly afraid of trolls. He was even more afraid that people would find out. In fact, in his panicked state, he actually took the long route to the common room.

Halfway there, Harry suddenly grabbed Ron's sleave. "What?" Ron asked, the silencing charm had wore off now.

"Hermione. We have to warn her!" Harry cried.

Ron rolled his eyes, "Come on Harry, everyone knows she's an old bore. You just want to see her naked."

"H-h-h-how did you know?" Asked Harry.

"Ronnie has his ways." Ron said mischievously, they slipped out of the group and towards the girls bathroom.

Harry was scared…deadly scared.


	4. You've Been Trolled

**HPP Chapter 4**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Medows91_

Anonymous

"_Hermione might be on the third floor. Let's go lock her in!" Said Harry._

"_Err…are you sure?"_

"_Of course! Come on, it's only going to be 3 minutes, then we can get her out and smash the troll to bits!" _

_Soon afterwards Hermione was locked up with the mountain troll. You could hear her scream and she yelled, "Let me out you idiots! How much people bully me? Do you know how I feel?" _

"_We should let her out." Said Harry._

**Ron sighed, "Ok, ok, spoil the fun." He muttered taking a running jump and attempting to dramatically kick the door down. Instead he missed and hit the wall, yelling in pain. Harry sighed and turned the key in the lock. Inside was a total madhouse, the first five cubicles were just piles of rubble. Hermione darted into the next one in an attempt to get away from a huge, fat, lumpy, blue-skinned brute that was naked apart from a skimpy one-piece leotard. In it's abnormally long arms, it held a long club made of rotting wood that looked like it was about to fall apart. **

Hermione had somehow managed to cling onto the pipes, screaming swearwords. "s**t s**t s***t!" She screamed.

"Uhh…Ron…I don't…uh-oh-" The troll made a lunge for Ron, who dodged. The troll smashed his club in the toilet bowl and couldn't pull it out.

"Nice Ron!" Said Harry.

"C**p c**p c**p." Said Hermione.

"Watch out!" Cried Ron as the troll smashed his fist at Harry. Harry managed to dodge just out of the way, the wall beside him crumbled.

"Hey - take this!" Ron chucked a piece of pipe at the troll. The troll turned around and roared at Hermione with it's mouth open.

Finally Harry understood Hermione's swearing, in fact, it was a spell. "Poo Poo Poo!" A stream of stinky brown liquid erupted from her wand and into the troll's mouth. He collapsed.

"Bloody hell." Whispered Ron.

"_Well that's a lesson we must learn. Not to run at a witch or wizard with your mouth open." Said Harry._

**Suddenly, the door was kicked open by Mcgonna, Snape and Quirrell dashed in. Quirrell took one look at the troll and he fainted…again. A ferret scurried down from Snape's shoulder and on his command, darted into the troll's leotard and…we'll just say checked that it was still alive. **

"House elves." Said Snape lazily, two scrawny creatures wearing scrawny old pillowcases appeared. "Go and bring Professor Quirrell to Madam Profrey." He said, then changed his mind. "Actually, put him in the dungeon, lock up the doors and write 'penis' on his face."

"Severus, is that really necessary?" Mcgonna said.

"Yes it is, how else am I supposed to get my entertainment?" The two house elves lifted Quirrell from the toilet seat and apparated with a farting noise.

Mcgonna breathed fiercely out, "Well you drink three bottles of whiskey every night, and you seem to have a lot of fun while your drunk. I hear you all the way from my bedroom, very disturbing."

Snape turned white, "Uhh…y-y-you haven't heard what I'm saying right?"

Mcgonna shrugged, "Yes, shall I record and show you in the morning? Then you can join in the show."

Snape turned even more pale. "Hmm…anyway, your punishment is…" Began Mcgonna, turning to the three petrified kids.

"_You need to go to Dumbledore's office naked at night." Said Snape._

"**Honestly Severus?" Asked Mcgonna, "Just make them lose house points."**

"**Yeah, but school hasn't started yet." Answered Snape, "They can't lose any yet.": He hesitated, "Actually, Ron, Hermione, thanks to you two, Gryffindor now has -200 points."**

**Mcgonna cast him a warning look.**

"**Ok, ok, sorry, -100 points." **

**Mcgonna nodded, knowing she wouldn't be able to push him any further. **

"**Harry," Snape said, turning to the frightened student. "For being the son of a man who…" Snape turned his gaze away, "We'll just say stole a girl and forced her to do business with him…a girl that some other people liked…" He looked back at Harry, "You have to write one hundred lines saying 'I will not grow up to be a d**khead like my father' and now Gryffindor has -100 points." And with that, he turned and stalked out of the smashed up bathroom. His ferret crawled out of the leotard and followed him.**

The next day, Harry was excited about his very first lesson. He and Ron walked down to the breakfast table, chatting.

"I'm excited, what lesson do we have first?" Asked Ron, loading two pieces of toast, a whole handful of bacon, and a bowl of scrambled eggs, three bowls of cereal and three bananas. Licking his lips hungrily.

"Oh I dunno, potions I think." Harry said, tipping five bowls of coco pops in and slurping it up his nose. "Mmm…can't wait."

Then Ron nibbled the two toasts in a very ratlike fashion, slurped the bacon down with a retching noise, mashed up the scrambled eggs and sprinkled it in his mouth. He drank the three bowls and squeezed the banana into his mouth.

Closing his eyes, he swallowed and sighed contently, "Come on - let's go." He said, as Ron and Harry left. Hermione followed along. Every since the troll affair they were friends.

"_Anyone want to play the penis game?" Asked Ron._

"_Me!" Answered Harry._

"_PENIS!" Yelled Ron and Harry._

"**Detention!" Yelled Filch. Harry and Ron scurried away, Hermione waved her wand, "Voicada!" She yelled and Filch crashed into a wall, unable too see because the spell Hermione preformed made a blindfold appear over his eyes. **

**Ron laughed, "I should use that spell in mum so she can't find my beer collection!" **

**When they reached the potions classroom, they saw Draco Malfoy lecturing Crappe and Gargoyle on how to go through a class without biting anyone. A Slytherin girl they recognised as Pansy from the sorting was putting on mascara in a failed attempt to look half-decent. A black kid in Gryffindor called Dean Thomas was hyperactively jumping up and down. Neville looked like he wanted to curl up and die. **

Suddenly the door slammed shut and the lights went out. A silky voice whispered in the dark, as low and soft as the breeze, but the students caught every word.

"Ho ho ho, tell me class, what happens when the lights go out?" There was a loud cry from outside.

"Hey let us in! He-llo! Anyone? Hermione and Hannah stuck out here!"

Suddenly a livid pale man all dressed in black appeared, he swallowed a glowing worm and glowed in the dark, "You should've arrived earlier. Well well well, go back to your common room and come back to me at midnight to repeat this lesson. 20 points from Gryffindor." He spat.

"But I'm from Hufflepuff." Hannah Abbot announced.

"Well, 20 points from Hufflepuff then. And another 20 for answering back."

"Well, good morning class." Snape said with a snap of his fingers, everyone was engulfed in excruciating pain as they instantly walked to their desks.

Ron looked at Harry, "I'm scared, we're in for it." Then he massaged his neck. "I which I hadn't ate all that breakfast, it's starting to make me feel sick."

Harry sighed, this was going to be a long and boring class…


	5. Lessons

**HPP Chapter 5**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Medows91_

Anonymous

"_Class turn to page 50. And start to make the potions!" Yelled Snape. They had to make the 'change colour' potion. _

"_Sir." Said Malfoy, "Should Potter and his ugly friend sit together. I don't think it will f**king work." _

"_Your right Draco. Five points for Slytherin." Said Snape, "Oh, by the way, Harry move to Pansy's table. Hermione move to Malfoy's table. Do not boost. Ron move to that table." _

_He pointed to the closest table to his desk._

**Later on in the lesson, Neville decided he didn't want to do potions and he 'accidentally' blew up Seamus Finnigan's cauldron and everyone hid under their desks. Snape waved his wand and the acidic potion disappeared. "Detention, Mr Longbottom. I'd like you to leave the class." He snarled, pointing to the door, "2 points from Gryffindor." **

**Happily, Neville ran out of the room. **

**Even more happily, the bell went and all the kids ran out as fast as possible.**

Except Harry couldn't move, the chair seemed to weigh a thousand tons. He strained his bum and groaned, a sheen of sweat breaking on his forehead in frustration. Nothing.

Snape sneered at him, now he was the only one left in the room. Hermione and Ron were waiting on the edge of the door.

"Constipation Potter?" He sneered. Over by the door Ron made rude finger signs at Snape and motioned for Harry to come. Hermione rolled her eyes and muttered something under her breath.

Harry somehow managed to get up. Snape's eyes flashed dangerously. "Sit!" He spat.

"No!" Said Harry, by then he knew there was something wrong with the chair.

"200 points from Gryffindor." Said Snape.

Later on at break Harry lamented his story to Hermione and Ron. "I swear Snape jinxed the chair on me! He has it for me!" He cried angrily, slamming his books on the table.

"Of course he did - and I said the counter curse, otherwise you would've still been there." Hermione said.

And off they went to their next lesson..Defence Against the Dark Arts…

_Quirrell's room was a rectangular room. "Class, take a f**king seat." Quirrell yelled. Ron, Hermione and Harry took a seat next to each other._

"**Umm…Hi. This is Defence Against the D-Dark Arts." Quirrell stammered. "I-I th-think we should start with the err…" He hesitated, "Stunning spell." **

**No one in the class seemed very interested except Hermione. Dean and Seamus were playing scissor, paper and rock. Neville was chewing his fingernails. Lavender Brown was masturbating, Pavarti Patil was making a paper mace pony with the garbage from the bin and Harry and Ron were deep in conversation.**

"**Can you understand what he's saying?" Asked Ron, casting a glance at Quirrell.**

**Harry shrugged, "Umm…so I-I- think it's stupidfly, something *-***** like t-that." Continued Quirrell. **

**Hermione raised her hand, "The spell's STUPEFY, Professor." She said.**

"Oh." Quirrell said, "W-w-well, everyone pair up a-a-and s-s-shout 'STUPEFLY."

Harry instantly paired up with Ron. For the next few seconds everyone was fighting.

Meanwhile Professor Quirrell's gaze flickered to Harry Potter, his right hand automatically moving to his wand. He licked his lips and grinned a funny crooked grin.

Suddenly Hermione accidentally knocked into him and stupidifed him, Quirrell was frozen stiff. The class froze with horror, each afraid of whatever punishment they would be receiving after that.

It was Lavender who first spoke, "Well I'm off to my bed!" She said, grabbing a boy's arm, "And your coming with me - we can finish what we didn't last night!"

"I don't need a defence against the dark art's teacher. I've got better things to do." Drawled Draco Malfoy, walking out. "Crappe - Gargoyle. Come." His two stupid clonies followed dumbfounded. "Ohhh-let me come with you!" Pansy said, jumping up and leaving.

There was an awkward silence, until…"Anyone want cake? I've got ten in my snack pack." Said Ron.

**And so the three of them walked out of the classroom, happily eating cake. Neville, Dean and Seamus tagged along the way to the Gryffindor common room. It was an absolute madhouse. **

**Percy was trying to study five subjects at once, a few third-years were playing tip, knocking over the furniture as they went. Fred, George and Lee were emptying jars of cockroaches in people's bags and a seventh year had somehow climbed up onto the chandelier and was swinging backwards and forwards, screaming as she went.**

**Harry, Ron, and Hermione and Neville walked up the stairs to the boy's dormitory, Dean and Seamus stayed behind to cause more mayhem by drawing a moustache on a fifth-year that had fallen asleep on an armchair. **

There Ron pulled out a 'slug' cake and offered it about. Hermione wrinkled her nose and politely refused. Harry, being his friend, accepted but made a mental note not to eat it.

Neville grimaced but was too shy to reject it. The cake was all green and mouldy, with long slimy decorations that actually moved about. "So?" Said Hermione, "Did you see that Harry?"

Harry frowned, he inched his hand away from the dustbin where he was about to throw away the cake, "What?"

"Professor Quirrell tried to kill or jinx you. I saw his hand inch towards his wand."

Ron gasped, Harry choked on his spit and Neville fainted.

"**He what?" Gasped Ron, "But he couldn't of tried…he's too…" **

"**Pathetic?" Asked Harry.**

**Ron thought for a moment and said, "Yeaaah…" **

**They reached their room, Ron dragging Neville behind him by the leg and dumping him on his bed. **

**A scroll of parchment lay on Harry's bed and he picked it up and groaned. Ron who found a roll of parchment on his bed picked it up and read it (only because he thought it was his letter to Honeydukes sweet shop), then he too groaned. **

"**What is it?" Asked Hermione, glancing around. Neville, Dean and Seamus' beds all had a roll of parchment on them. "If it's another one of Fred and George's condom orders, I'm reporting them to Dumbledore!" **

**Ron shook his head, "No, worse." He sighed, "Flying lessons with the Slytherins." **

**Nevile rolled off his bed, sat up and pulled a red ball out of the front of his pants, "My remember-ball was trying to tell me I forgot something." His face fell, "But I'm glad I forgot about flying lessons, I really hate those four, moron Slytherins." **

"**Well, your luck's run out." Muttered Ron.**

They all headed out of the Hogwarts castle to the Quidditch pitch for their very first flying lesson. It was a sunny day and the sky was a clear blue. A tiny peaceful breeze ruffled the grass gently.

Harry, Ron and Hermione saw other groups of students trooping down for their flying lesson too. "You know." Said Ron breezily, "This beats other lessons because it's book-free!"

Hermione scowled, "So what are you saying? That I can't learn flying?"

"That's it exactly!" Said Ron. Harry finally arrived on the pitch, he gasped. There were 4 giant poles rising from the ground in the middle of what looked like a muggle soccer field. Harry gasped, he suddenly felt an urge to fly.


	6. Ron Tries to Enlarge his Broom

**HPP Chapter 6**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Medows91_

Anonymous

**The flying instructor, Madam Hooch, walked up. She was a tall, skinny witch with vomit yellow eyes that were extremely dull. "Now class," She said in a screechy voice that reminded Harry of a hawk that had it's tail pulled. "Choose a broom to get on and stand next to it." **

**Everyone stood next to a broom and stared blankly at Madam Hooch. Neville put up his hand nervously. "Um…can I go to the bathroom?" He asked, glancing around. Madam Hooch nodded and Neville took off towards the forbidden forest. It was quiet for a second before he came running back screaming and covered in blood.**

Madam Hooch rolled her eyes and sighed so hard that her breath blew up her hair, "Oh god this always happens to me. Hermioneikicy - go take Neville to the Hospital Wing." She instructed.

"It's Hermione." Said Hermione and grabbed her wand. She made Neville follow her with a jinx.

"So class," Madam Hooch said in her gruff voice, "No fooling on brooms. If you break a rule you lose house points. If you don't break a rule I don't care, if your good you get picked for the Quidditch team, ready?"

Harry felt his blood pumping in his ears, boy was he ready.

"**OMG! Look!" Said Malfoy, picking up something on the trail of blood Neville left, "Isn't this his remember-ball he keeps in his underwear?"**

**Madam Hooch sighed again, "Ok, you kids stay here, I'll just check if that boy Neville has any mental issues." She turned and walked away. Harry turned to Malfoy. **

"**Give it to me." He said.**

**Malfoy smiled and got onto a broom, "Yeah, sure. But you'll have to catch me first!" He called before flying into the air. Ron pushed Harry towards a broom nearby that looked like Hagrid's d**k.**

Instantly Harry shot up into mid-air. "Ron!" Cried Dean, "That's not a broom! That's a Turbler 3000!"

And boy was he right. Harry zipped and zoomed over the air, screaming loudly with fear and amusement. He sped towards Malfoy who hurriedly sped away and ended up crashing headfirst into a wall and dropping the remember-ball. Harry caught it and jumped down, landing perfectly fine. The Turbler 3000 went out of control, a sizzle of grey smoke came out. Then it exploded into a shower of dust and ashes.

Raining down a watching Mcgonna who DID NOT look amused.

"_Mr Potter! Come with me!" Mcgonna yelled._

**Shamefully, Harry got off the Turbler and walked towards Mcgonna. Gargoyle was giggling so hard he fell backwards into a ditch. Crappe rolled his eyes and Malfoy face-palmed himself and accidentally poked himself in the eye.**

**Mcgonna led Harry into the castle and to the charms room. A one foot midget called Professor Flitwik opened the door, "Can I use Wood for a second?" Asked Mcgonna. Flitwik nodded and waved his wand. A fifth-year boy stumbled up the door, the spell pulling him by his penis. **

"**Ow that hurt!" Said Wood, "Do it more gentle next time!" **

"**Ok ok," Squeaked Flitwik in a helium-high voice. As he walked back inside and closed the door.**

Mcgonna led them into a spare classroom. "So," She said, Harry shuddered, wandering the verdict. He had a vague feeling he was going to be punished.

Wood breathed a trail of purple smoke out of his nostrils, Harry's eyes widened. "Oh sorry to alarm you kiddo, we were doing changing colour spells in charms." He said, a stream of purple smoke coming from his mouth as he spoke.

"Well, Harry - meet Wood. Wood, this is your new seeker." Said Mcgonna.

"Wow, he's that young!" Gasped Wood.

"Yes but I assure you he's a natural."

Then Wood circulated Harry, gaping as he eyed the team's new seeker. "Small penis to keep out of the way, light and skinny, he'll need a small broom. But fast and speedy - what a natural! What a miracle!"

**Mcgonna nodded, "He caught a remember-ball on a Turbler 3000!" At that moment, Wood started shaking so hard he fell over and continued vibrating. A few minutes later, Wood was in the Hospital Wing, and Harry, Ron and Hermione were in the Great Hall eating dinner.**

"**OMG, wood let you on the team?" Gasped Ron.**

"**That's like - totally wicked, but you like - totally shouldn't of!" Said Hermione.**

**Harry stared at them, "What?" He asked. **

"**Sorry, Dean taught us city-language when you were gone." Explained Ron.**

"Yeah, the first rehearsal is tomorrow evening and…" Harry blushed, "He said I'll need a small broom."

As Ron was a boy, he immediately understood the situation.

He jumped up and took two bites out of the chicken leg. Harry immediately knew something was wrong, usually Ron ate two chicken legs in two bites, not too mouthfuls.

"Honestly Ronald Weasley, what is it this time?" Hermione said.

"Harry you've got a problem. After dinner - tonight. We need to talk." Ron announced.

"Sorry Mione, it's boys talk." Harry whispered to a dejected looking Hermione, who still looked upset. "Well," She said huffily, "In that case, I'm going to the library." And with that she swept out of the room.

"So, let's talk now." Said Harry.

"Whoa - oh yeah," Ron cleared his throat, "Wood said you've got a small penis. Trust me I know, but we can't let him think that. Because it's our pride."

"Wow." Said Harry.

"So we're going to enlarge it."

"ENLARGE IT!" Harry sat right up, "My beautiful stick? You must be mad?"

"No I'm not, we'll just make a potion. I've seen Bill do it tons of times." Said Ron enthusiastically, "What can go wrong?

"_Ron you are mad." Said Harry._

"**I mean - Charlie never had to do it but-" Started Ron but Harry cut him off.**

"**Look, my penis is NOT going to get ANY larger. I don't care how much you want it to grow. I think Mcgonna mentioning she'll order me one." **

"**A penis enlarger?" Asked Ron hopefully.**

"**No!" Hissed Harry, "A broom!" **

"**Oh." Said Ron, nodding, "Well let's go to bed and hope the penis en-I mean - broom arrives in the morning." **

"Not before I go and fetch Hermione." Said Harry.

"Why? What happened to her?" Ron asked.

"Oh she's silking again, well cya." As Ron headed to bed, Harry set off to the library with a sigh. Now the difficult task of finding Hermione in this gigantic hell of a library.

**The library was a bit like the book shop in Diagon Alley, except more books stayed put on the shelves. In the corner were two cages; each with a book tilted 'the Monster Book of Monsters'. **

**Hermione was sitting at a desk with five books on charms, three history of magic books and a transfiguration book that had turned into a kitten that was hiding under the desk. **

"**Here kitty, kitty!" Muttered Hermione, holding a charms book over her head, "Come over here!" She slammed the book over the kitten's head. She noticed Harry, "Oh, hi." She said.**

"Is that what you do everyday?" Asked Harry with curiosity before he could sustain himself.

Hermione sniffed, "Only when the book turns into a kitten."

"_Hello Hermione! I'm sorry about the boy talk." Harry said._

"_It's okay." Hermione said._

"But," Added Hermione, "Do tell me what the discussion was, oh please!"

Harry paused, "Uhh…it's manly stuff."

Hermione snorted, "Between you and me, I think I'm more manlier then Ron."

Harry had to agree with that, Hermione could make it through a day of lessons without even a single complaint where areas Ron was moaning for a snack.

Hermione even had more boobs then Ron had a penis. "Right, but promise not to tell Ron." Said Harry,

"Good."

"Well…" Harry hesitated, "Ron wanted to uhh…enlarge my…penis."

Hermione jumped up, white in the face. Then she just laughed, "Why I enlarge my boobs sometimes! Not that I have any you know, but still, I always keep a bottle of private part enlarger with me now!" She said, "Wanna try some?"

"**Err…no thanks." Said Harry, "Look, I'm just going to order a broom instead." **

**Hermione looked slightly disappointed. "Oh well, if you change your mind…" **

**At that moment, the librarian ran up to them, a machine gun in her hands. **

"**Get out, the library is closed!"**

**Quickly Harry and Hermione ran out and dashed to the common room before the mad librarian could shoot them. **

There they found Ron squatting behind a basket, "Hey Ron." Said Hermione, who then took a swig of a blue vile and instantly the flat mounds on her chest grew bigger.

Ron gulped, "You take that stuff too?" He asked.

"Yes, get up Ron." Said Harry but Ron shook his head and motioned them closer.

"Look, uhh…you know I tried to make a penis enlarging potion but it kinda failed." He then lifted the basket to reveal a huge orange stick sticking out of his pants.

**Hermione covered her mouth and Harry burst out laughing. Ron glared at him, "It's not funny. I took way too much and I accidentally put Neville's toad in it." **

**Harry glanced at the boy at the other side of the common room looking for his toad. Right now, he was looking down Dean's pants. Dean looked like he had falled asleep on Seamus. Both looked like they had been force fed sleeping potion. (Which was why they weren't beating Neville up for unzipping their flyers) **

"Look." said Hermione, "I always keep a shrinker with me. You have to rub it on you." She said, bringing out a small vile of green potion.

Ron groaned, "But it hurts when I touch it." He wailed, "And I can't do it with everyone watching!"

Hermione gave an exasperated sigh, "Well go to your dormitory then."

So, with Harry and Hermione on either side of him, Ron walked up the stairs. When anyone stared at him, he pulled out his rude finger or poked them with his 'stick'.

That sent them running. Hermione dumped them in the room, "Well - here's the potion, rub it in well!" Then she fled.

**Ron nodded nervously, "Ok ok but don't look." Hermione and Harry turned for a minute. "Okay done!" Said Ron. Just then, Seamus staggered in, dragging Dean. **

"**Hey, guys!" He said, dumping Dean on the bed, "We were testing our transforming-ourselves-into-girls potion. Dean was rather enthusiastic so he took some more. Two bad it was a sleeping potion. That's the reasons why we weren't at herbology or transfiguration." He said.**

**Ron nodded, "Yeah, Professor Sprout thought the tentacula had eaten you both. You should of seen the look on her face when even the Hufflepuffs played along." **

"_Professor Sprout can be mad sometimes. Why would we let a stupid plant eat us alive?" Dean said angrily, looking a bit red._

"**Cool, your awake!" Cried Seamus, "Neville thought you died." **

**Dean laughed, "No way!" Then he froze. He pulled his timetable out of his pocket. **

"**What is it Dean?" Asked everyone.**

"**F**k!" Cried Dean, "We missed Astronomy!" **

"**S**t!" Said Neville.**

"**C**p!" Gasped Seamus.**

"**Hell!" Muttered Harry.**

"**Yes!" Said Ron enthusiastically. **

**Hermione didn't say anything for she had just run out of room to get her books. No way was she going to miss a lesson.**


	7. Duels, Dragons and Detention

**HPP Chapter 7**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Meadows91_

Anonymous

The astronomy tower was the highest tower in the whole of Hogwarts. It was a straight, vertical stick sort o thing. All lumpy and skin-colored. There was no staircase. Only an elevator. The batty old hag who taught astronomy sneezed and rounded all the students up into the elevator. She was rather fat and wore revealing rags, and with every breath she took, there was a wheezing noise.

The sullen group huddled in the pitch black elevator as it rapidly ascended. The witch, Professor Shaggard, blew her nose and started smoking her wand. Bits of pale gray smoke rose out, gradually fogging the elevator up.

Ron looked at Harry with one eyebrow raised, "We're all going to suffocate." He said.

"**No you're not!" Screeched Professor Shaggard, "You're all perfectly fit sluts and jiggilows!" **

"**Not for much longer." Mutter Dean.**

"**Hey, what was that you said about all the girls being sluts?" Lavender cried.**

"**And jiggilows?" Demanded Seamus.**

**Professor Shaggard let out a high-pitched cackle and turned into a bat just as the elevator doors opened. Everyone screamed and ran out. When the bat tried to run out, too, Dean grabbed it and, still screaming, wrung it's neck. Then Neville stomped on it and the whole class trampled it as they crammed themselves back into the elevator to try and get away.**

Well, that was a heck of an interesting lesson." Murmured Ron.

Suddenly, Draco Malfoy came, or rather, Crappe and Gargoyle wheeled him in in a pram. Draco had armfuls of galleons and lollies in his pram.

"Wheel me there, servants!" Draco murmured haughtily, scattering sickles everywhere. His servants obeyed.

Ron, Harry and Hermione shared an exasperated groan, turned around and walked into the other direction. "He never gives up!" Hermione said.

Behind them, Malfoy was leaning forward with his eyes and mouth open. He whacked his servants with his wand, Crappe and Gargoyle were gaining speed now, "Get 'em!" Roared Malfoy as the six of them neared a long flight of stairs.

**There was a dramatic explosion and Draco was sprawled at the bottom of the stairs. "Heh, heh, did you see me flying?" He asked, "Pretty cool, hey? Not everyone can do it."**

"**Hey, Malfoy?" Said Hermione, "Are you... High?"**

"**No!" Said Draco quickly, "I never... Say never to drugs. Yes, I am. In fact, I'm so ridiculously high, I can fly up in the sky... LAUGH!"**

"**Do you want something?" Asked Ron, because if you don't, we'll-"**

"**No, wait! I _did_ want something!" Said Draco.**

"Yeah, what?" Asked Harry.

"I want to VS you! At a wizard's duel tonight- midnight!" Malfoy said, then bursting into laughter.

"Is he serious?" Hermione said disbelievingly.

"Yes. Now, Crappe, Gargoyle. Wheel me to my ball pit!" He said, then Crappe and Gargoyle picked up the pram, hoisted it over their shoulders and walked away. Malfoy fell out and started wailing.

"Are you going to go, Harry?" Said Hermione.

"Might as well." Harry murmured, "And torture Malfoy insane from what little sanity he has left."

Ron twitched his hand toward his wand, "I'm going too." He said, "Remind me to write 'penis' on his face once we win."

"Oh, boys." Hermione said helplessly, "In that case – and because I want you to be safe, I'll come along too."

Ron snorted, "Don't push it, Hermione. You just want to see Malfoy going down, don't you?" Hermione blushed and started leafing through a book.

**For the rest of the evening, Harry, Ron and Hermione were in the library, trying to find the killing curse. **

"**Honestly." Said Hermione, "It won't be in here. It's a forbidden curse. We can just stun him and run away."**

"**Hmm, I like that." Said Ron, "After we kick him in the balls and write 'penis' on his face AND force him to tell us where he keeps his drugs."**

**Hermione sighed, "Honestly, why do you boys like drugs and killing"**

"**Well, why do girls like peace and studying?" Asked Ron. Hermione threw a copy of _A beginner's guide the 3-way_ at his head and stormed out.**

"What' up with her?" Ron exclaimed.

Harry shrugged, "That doesn't matter, what does is curses. Do you reckon we can find the crucio curse?" Harry suggested.

"Nah, it'll take to long. How about-" Just then, the bell rang loud and clear. Harry's head perked up. "It's midnight!" He said.

They ran.

**As quickly as they started running, they suddenly stopped. **

"**Hang on a minute!" Gasped Ron, shoving a whole strawberry poptart into his mouth, "Malfoy never told us WHERE we had to meet him!" Just then, the crazy librarian, Madam Pincer ran up to them with a rocket launcher in her hands, screaming about how children shouldn't be up at late hours.**

**They started running again and stopped near a suit of armor.**

"**I just wish Malf**k told us where to meet." Muttered Ron.**

"**Speak of the devil and the devil will come!" Yelled Malfoy. He zipped through the air and smashed into the suit of armor. When Harry and Ron turned, they could make out a giant slingshot in the gloom.**

**Draco got up, "WAHAHAHA!" He laughed, stumbling forward, "I told you I could fly!" He raised his hand, "TO the trophy room!" A massive catapult tossed him through the ceiling. Ron and Harry sighed.**

At the trophy room, Draco stood there, wheezing as he pointed his wand at them both. There was a huge ugly bowtie at the front and a pink cloth draped over it. Apparently Draco had 'decorated' his wand.

Harry and Ron were covered in sawdust both and held out their wands. Ron's wand stated emitting funny noises.

"Ahaha, you will not live! Cackled Malfoy.

"What the heck is he talking about?" Wheedled Ron, "Of course we can' live... With the fact that we're going to kill our enemy!"

"No, no, you mistaken me, I'm the most bravest and strongest and most powerful of all! And I shall prove it by..."

Suddenly, Filch's ugly cat, Mrs Norris came in and meowed. Malfoy took one look at her, swore and sprinted from the room. A crashing sound followed.

"Oh crap." Muttered Harry as he and Ron sprinted and headed in any direction. In their case, it just so happened to be the third floor corridor...

**Harry grabbed a battle axe from a suit of armor and hacked the nearest door down. Both boys ran in and froze. There in front of them was the biggest, ugliest, smelliest three-headed guard dog they had ever seen (which, since they had never seen one before in their lives, meant it actually didn't look too bad).**

The dog was chained to a leash on top of a trapdoor. Filch's footsteps hurried closer and closer. Harry shut the door.

"Aurgh!" Said a voice, the door had slammed right on the person outside's face.

But is wasn't the wheezy cry of Filch, it was the feminine cry of Hermione. "C**p" Ron said.

"Guys, let me in! Filch is coming and don't swear!" Hermione said.

"Looks like we have to mind our Ps and Qs." Muttered Ron and the two of them sniggered before letting Hermione in.

**Hermione took one look at the giant guard dog and grabbed Harry and Ron and dragged them outside. A few seconds later, Filch walked into the corridor, a spiked mace in his hands. **

**He glanced around the dark corridor, grunting slightly. Suddenly, a suit of armor punched him in the face and tossed his unconscious body through a portrait.**

"Okay, RUN!" Called Hermione and the three of them ran for it, heading to the common room and collapsed, gasping.

Ron got out his snack pack and nibbled on some sugar cubes, "Mmm, a post midnight snack after wandering around and having fun with a furry creature!" He said, gulping down some more sugar cubes with some fizzy lemonade.

"Hell yeah, that was fun!" Harry exclaimed.

"Well, Ronald!" Hermione said in an extremely cold voice, "That 'furry creature' was dangerous!"

"Oh come off it!" Murmured Ron.

"No- wait, Hermione's right." Harry sat straight up, "We need to revisit it sometime soon..."

"**Harry, you're as mad as... As... As mad as Ron." Muttered Hermione. Then she said louder, "We shouldn't revisit that dog. It's a bad idea, we barely escaped with our lives."**

**Ron hesitated, and said, "Well, I suppose we should stop this getting into trouble business for a while." **

"**Good." Hermione relaxed.**

"**Well, actually I only said that because Christmas is coming and if I'm good, Mum sends me this really nice homemade fudge."**

"**Is it really nice?" Asked Harry, "I mean- to eat, not to look at."**

"**It's nicer to eat than to look at." Ron confirmed, "Because it looks like poo."**

"**Shut up, you two." Said, getting up and going into the girl's dormitory. **

"What's up with that dork- She's driving me berserk." Said Ron.

Harry rubbed his scar thoughtfully, "I don't know, Ron – but I think that dog's Hagrid's. I just know someone as reckless as him wold own that thing."

Ron snorted, "Well that doesn't matter, Harry! What we need to know is how to gt past it. Not that I'm going." He added quickly, "Hm, we might not now, but Hagrid probably does..." And with that, both boys sprinted to Hagrid's hut.

Now, on a scale of one to ten, it was nine that Hagrid drank beer, but a one that he got drunk. Unfortunately, that day was one of those days.

Hagrid greeted them with a tankard of slopping and frothing beer. He was already cross-eyed and delusional. He came to hug them, "Aye, meh beauties! It's been a long, long time – you've grown so short yah shorties!"

Harry looked at the repulsed Ron, "Come on." He mouthed, "It'll be easy this way.

"**Hi, Hagrid." Said Ron, "We were just wondering if you've let anything mad, dangerous or hairy loose around the castle lately?" Harry face-palmed himself. Fantastic, now what would Hagrid say?**

**Hagrid laughed and threw his beer out the the window, "Har, har, har!" He bellowed, "Have a look at this!" He reached into the fire, burning his sleeve in the process and pulled out a black egg.**

"**Won this in ah game of cards last time I was drunk!" He told the two boys.**

Harry quickly seized his chance as Hagrid turned to get something, he pointed his wand at the egg and mumbled a random word that came into his mind at a time like this. "_Giganto_." He mumbled and to his horror, the egg swelled up until it was the size of a watermelon, the color turned from black to light tam with dark brown spots.

Beside him, Ron looked repulsed, but as Hagrid turned around, both boys had the sense to pretend nothing happened. They instantly stared out the window and pretended to be admiring the view – which was of two frogs humping in a tree.

**Just then, Hagrid's huge a** bumped the egg, causing the egg to return to it's normal size and Hagrid's bum to wobble uncontrollably. **

"**Hey, um... Hagrid, what's that thing?" Asked Harry, nodding at the egg.**

"**Hm? Oh, that's my AK47 dragon egg. It's very rare. The dragon fires sh*t out o f it's a** when it feels threatened, giving it it's name."**

**Ron and Harry glanced awkwardly at each other, "That sounds... Very nice." Said Ron.**

"Yeah well," Said Harry, quickly changing the subject, "How do you get past that giant furry creature on the third floor corridor?"

Ron looked up intently. Hagrid paused in thought, "Oh that. Well, it's very, very easy-peasy. _Pee_sy, hee, hee! Just play some music for it – that simple."

**Harry and Ron hi-fived each other, but all of a sudden, Filch entered Hagrid's hut and saw Hagrid drunk and two students out of bed. Feeling nothing better to do, he set off the burglar alarm.**

**Three minutes later, Harry and Ron found themselves sitting with Malfoy in the 'Naughty Corner'.**


	8. Anything but Philosophy! D:

**HPP Ch 8**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Meadows91_

Anonymous

Professor Dumbledore was meant to babysit them for that night. They were in a bare room with the door shut. Only a thin drop of moonlight poured in from and old fashioned window somewhere up the wall.

Dumbledore smiled at them mischievously as he dug into his front pocket (in front of his penis) and pulled out a humungous book. "Tonight for detention." He mumbled, "We are doing Philosophy."

Malfoy groaned and blocked his ears, Harry and Ron found out why as Dumbledore started.

"Humble tumble, rumble my bumble.

"Jiggle wiggle, tiggles are my favorite biggle-niggle.

"Why Philosophy is there is why it's not there.

"Time and space are two entirely different things mixed together to create the same thing.

"'R' is for apple is possible as possible starts with 'A' instead of 'R'."

**Dumbledore smiled and said, "Isn't this fun, boys? Tomorrow, Hagrid will take you down to the forbidden forest to go and find a half-dead unicorn and whatever's hunting it!"**

**Malfoy stared at him, "The only place you'll find me dead is in there!" He exclaimed, "Doesn't Hagrid breed giant spiders there? And isn't that where he goes to poo? Doesn't he not bury them?" **

**Dumbledore laughed, "Of course he does!" He shut the book, "Now run off to your dormitories. You've got a big, big day and night tomorrow!"**

**Ron and Harry walked back. Malfoy sped off as fast as possible.**

"**What's with that kid?" Asked Harry.**

"Insanity, that's what." Said Ron, then he grinned, "All we need now is a musical instrument – good thing I always keep one in a box under my bed at Hogwarts." He said.

Harry frowned, "Why?"

"Oh, because Percy used to play it and he was so terrible – his playing, I mean – that mum and dad demanded me to hide it – oh look, we're there." And with that, they had arrived at the pitch black dormitory at half past midnight.

**Ron opened the box and gasped, "It's gone!" He exclaimed, "And during the only time we needed it!"**

**Harry sat down on his bed, "We'll never get past that b*tch now!"**

**Ron sat down beside him, "Now, now." He said, "It was a MALE dog, remember?"**

**Harry reached inside Ron's snack pack and brought out a chocolate frog, ignoring the putrid taste in his mouth.**

Suddenly, Ron sat bolt upright, "I know!" He said into teh darkness, "Dean has a piano and it's in his trunk – he minimized it!" He announced.

"Where is it?" Asked Harry.

"In the box under his pillow – all we have to do is borrow it, take it to the trapdoor and maximize it! Then we can play!" He yelled.

"Brilliant!" Harry agreed.

Suddenly, Dean awoke, spluttering. "Huh?" He said half consciously, "What's the matter?" Harry donked him on the head and Dean fell back down.

"Ron?"

"Mmm?"

"Neither of us know how to play the piano, remember?"

"No, but I'm sure Hermione does."

"She wouldn't approve of us stealing Dean's piano."

"Hmm." Said Ron, and he thought as he licked the ice-cream out of his creamsh*t lolly.

"**Well, Christmas is coming and I could always ask Hagrid for some sort of musical instrument thing." Said Harry.**

"**Why Hagrid?" Asked Ron.**

"**Because I can count on him to get me something illegal."**

**Ron got into bed, "Brilliant!" He said, "All we have to do is wait."**

Then they fell asleep. Harry had a tough night. Nightmares swarmed in his mind over and over again, he groaned and moaned as he twisted and tossed in his bed.

Dumbledore's maniac sayings echoed numbly at the back of his brain and images of a dark figure in a cloak entered his dreams, killing Harry over and over, then sucking on his blood. When Harry awoke with Dumbledore's 'wash the dishes with soap and your wishes will wash themselves with soap, to', he felt even worse than the night before.

Ron rolled over and puked on his mattress, "I think that creamsh*t went down wrong." He muttered.

**All of a sudden, Harry thought he heard a high-pitched giggle. His scar burned and he fell screaming onto the floor, his limbs thrashing and flailing.**

**Neville, Dean and Seamus woke with a start. When Neville saw Harry, he thought Harry was doing some sort of protective charm to keep demons away and started doing the same thing. Dean fainted and Seamus thought it was all just a dream and went back to sleep.**

It was Ron – Ron who knew something was up. He did the smartest thing which he could think of – raced to find Hermione. Ron crashed into three teachers, stepped on several people's toes and saw five naked boys on his journey there.

Finally, he arrived at the girl's dormitories, flung open the door and saw that everybody apart from Hermione was there.

All the girls screamed and dived for cover, Ron panted, "Do- Do you know where - Mione is?" He said between pants.

"Sh-she went to the l-l-library." Murmured one of the girls before going into a dead faint.

Ron vomited some more, then raced away to the library at a very slow pace.

**Hermione was practicing fire starting on a few books. She jumped when she was Ron, "Oh, it's you." She said, "I thought it was the crazy librarian."**

"**Mione, something's happening to Harry!" Panted Ron. **

**Five seconds later, both of them were in the boy's dormitory, listening intently to Harry's story.**

"**And then all of a sudden, the pain stopped!" Said Harry.**

**Hermione stared at him, "We need to get you to Madam Pomfrey." She said.**

"No, no." Harry moaned, he got up and half staggered to a wardrobe. Then he collapsed and landed face-down in a toilet bucket which stank of sour p*ss.

"Harry!" Called Hermione, "Are you alright?"

"Ugh, yuk!" Ron exclaimed, "Remind me NOT to touch you after!"

Harry grinned somewhat, "Never mind, but Voldemort is coming. He is close – I can smell him, he smells of-"

"Of dank and sour p*ss?" Ron interrupted with a snigger, "Yeah, that's you!"

"Guys." Hermione said worriedly, "What are we going to do about THIS?"

"**About what?" Ron asked.**

"**About You-Know-Who!" Hermione exclaimed.**

"**Sorry, I don't know who."**

"**RON!" Hermione yelled, shaking him really, really hard, "You're just being silly! Voldemort is on his way, if he isn't here already!"**

"**What should we do, then?" Harry asked, an edge to his words.**

"**First things first!" Hermione said importantly, "We have to go to the library and look up any useful spells-"**

"**We don't have time for that, Hermione!" Harry yelled, "If I'm right, Voldemort is in the castle right now!" At that moment, the old cuckoo clock struck 1:00 am. The cuckoo sprang out, went too far and smashed through the window, causing the clock to explode and knock everyone out.**

Everyone except Harry, Ron and Hermione who mysteriously survived the crash. "Hey guys, I don't think Dean would mind if we..." Harry opened Dean's trunk and took out a small, ugly piano.

Hermione who seemed to understand almost instantly, said, "That's genius, now let's go." And they proceeded in running to the third floor corridor. With Ron behind them, nibbling on a cheesecake flavored fat-cake.

**Hermione was leading them towards the library, Ron kept protesting that the only way you can defeat the Dark Lord with books is by throwing them at his head.**

**When they turned the corner, the most unpleasant surprise awaited them. Filch and Madam Pincer were making out in the hall. The second Filch saw the three students, he started screaming about children 'invading' personal privacy. The noise alerted McGonna, because at that moment, McGonna had run up, dragging Malfoy behind her. Malfoy was holding a video camera.**

"Potter, Weasely, Mudblood – I think you'll be surprised how many people are going to see you on film in the dark!" Said Malfoy.

"F**k off, Malf**k." Said Hermione.

"Yeah, sod off, idiot." Screamed Ron.

Harry sniggered and held up a rude finger, "My middle finger gets an erection every time I see you, Malf**k." He said.

"**Mr Potter, Mr Weesely, Mud- I mean, Miss Gringo!" McGonna gasped, "Never before in all my years at Hogwarts, I have never heard such language come from such young pupils! You must be thoroughly ashamed of yourselves! And how can you even think of sneaking around at this time? Why, you still have your detention tomorrow night by Dumbledore's orders already!"**

**Harry groaned, now he remembered.**

"No, no, no! Please, no!" Begged Ron.

McGonna sighed, "We must discuss why on earth you were in the corridors in the first place, come to my office – now!"

She snapped her wand and in an instant, made the four of them troop to her office, unable to help their legs.

"Make- sure – they – don't- tell!" Rasped Filch, his eyes bugging out of his head.

McGonna flicked him on the head with her wand, "I'll make sure of that." She tutted dryly, her lips pulled into a tight line.

**When they reached her office, McGonna started with the lecture, "Now Mr Malfoy." She said, "You must understand that it is completely against the school rules to make and sell sex tapes to others. May I have your camera?" She held out her hand expectantly.**

**Malfoy shook his head and hugged the camera close to his chest. "Hand it over!" McGonna demanded, but then Malfoy started blubbering about how no one had told him that it's bad and how his father does it all the time. McGonna eventually gave up, "60 points from Slytherin and Filch better make sure you turn up for your detention tomorrow night." Then she turned to Harry, Ron and Hermione who were all huddled up in the corner.**

Strangely, Professor McGonna didn't start on the lectures, but nonetheless, she was still intimidating, "Harry, Ron, Mud- I mean, Hermione." She corrected hastily. "Care for a biscuit?" She opened a tin of gingerbread cookies.

"Ooh!" Ron gasped, and reached out for one.

Hermione slapped his hand away, "Don't Ron, they could be drugged!"

But it was already too late. Ron had eagerly shoved one into his mouth and was now frothing and writhing.

"Want one, Potter? Mudblood- I mean, Gringo?" Asked McGonna.

Harry shook his head, but a biscuit sailed over and jammed itself into his mouth. He was currently trying to pull it out.

"Miss Gringo, take one. I insist."

"Oh no. I um... Please no – I'm not feeling up to it. Perhaps-" But Hermione never got to finish her sentence because a gigantic cookie slammed itself in between her overly large front teeth (an extremely hard thing to do) and persisted in exploring down her throat.

Within 3 minutes, all three Griffindors were knocked out and hypnotized by McGonna who cackled, rubbed her hands together and muttered about her secret 'technique'.

"**You must understand that-" McGonna began before she remembered that she hadn't drugged Malfoy yet. She turned just in time to see a blonde blur streak out of her office.**

"**Shi... Vers." McGonna muttered, making a mental not to drug Malfoy and steal his camera as soon as she could.**

**Then she turned back to the three hypnotized students and said, "You will never break any more school rules unless the Dark Lord himself in in the castle. You will all go to your detention tomorrow night and Ron, you will give back the 5 galleons you stole for 'snack money'. 150 points from Griffindor, you are dismissed."**

**Then Harry, Ron and Hermione trudged back to their dormitories as if they had take heaps of drugs and the night went on without any crazy, Philosophy-obsessed headmasters to p*ss them off.**


	9. Detention in the Forest of the Rapists

**HPP Ch 9**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Meadows91_

Anonymous

AN: WARNING! CONTAINS RAPE SCENES! I/we hope you're not offeneded.

The next morning, each three felt all different to the night before. "Man." Said Ron, rubbing his eyes, "I had the most marvelous dream last night. It was so real! I dreamed I ate a delicious cookie in McGonna's office and then her voice telling me things! The cookie was delicious, though."

"Deja vu." Said Harry, "I feel like it's all happened before! Say, that detention last night was awful, wasn't it?"

"What detention?" Thundered Ron.

Just then, Malfoy walked by and he cast the three a nervous, anxious look. "Uh... Do you guys want to know what _really_ happened?" He stammered.

"I think." Hermione said quietly, "That we've been drugged." But as usual, no one was listening to her.

"**Malfoy, what the fudge are you doing in our common room?" Ron yelled, shoving Malfoy through the portrait hole without it opening, causing the canvas to have a massive tear in it.**

"**Well done!" Fred called from the corner where Lee, George and him were making drugbombs made from substances stolen from other houses.**

"**Yeah, we caught that on camera!" George called, holding up the photo.**

"**My father's going to hear of this!" Malfoy yelled from outside the common room, "And he'll steal all your drugs to sell on the Black Market! I'll tell him it all, I know where you live... I think!"**

**The day passed in a blur, and before they knew it, Harry, Ron, Hermione and Malfoy found themselves waiting at Hagrid's hobo shack for their detention.**

Hagrid opened the door by slamming his fist down into it. The door fell off it's hinges and landed flat-down on the grass. "T-that could have hit m-me!" Exclaimed Malfoy, who was practically quivering with anger.

"So what?" Boomed Hagrid, "One Malfoy less doesn't really matter. Your parents can always afford several more."

Malfoy shivered in fright, "Y-y-you're not going to f-feed me to the m-m-monsters, are y-you?" He stammered.

"Nah, wouldn't dream of it." Hagrid said, shaking his head, "You're not good enough fer them. You'll give them diarrhea – or maybe a nasty stomach. Malfoy Meat – never heard of such a thing." He muttered as he chewed a fruit called Rom-pa-pa.

_Hagrid led the way down the forbidden forest. "Let's play the Penis Game!" Ron said._

"_Kay, if yeh want." Hagrid said._

**Ron brightened up and, shoving a handful of licorice penises in his mouth and yelled - "PENISH!"**

**Malfoy jumped and hid inside Hagrid's pants, screaming something about being hunted.**

"**Arr, Malfoy!" Hagrid muttered, pulling the trembling student out, "It's just Fang."**

"**Who?" Hermione asked, glancing warily around.**

"**Fang." A huge, ugly, slobbering hound lumbered out of the shadows. It's eyes glowed red and it's yellow teeth glittered in the moonlight. "Arr, hello 'ol Fang! Two of you can be led by him to find it!"**

"**Find what?" Asked Harry, wishing he knew the 'sanity level' spell so he could see if Hagrid should be dragged to a lunatic asylum.**

**Why, the dead unicorn, of course!" Hagrid said as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.**

**Hermione's eyes widened, Ron spat out his food, Malfoy curled up into a ball and Harry just stared.**

"But there is already one!" Exclaimed Hermione, "There's several in the pantry of Hogwarts! We eat unicorn soup almost every day!"

"Oh well, there goes my idea of something teh do in detention. Looks like we're just going to have teh sit here and wait for things teh get interesting." Said Hagrid, plonking down on one of the many stumps in the woods.

"Aw, man." Muttered Harry, "I need to pee real bad."

"Malfoy, you go with Harry!" Barked Hagrid.

Malfoy jumped up as if shot, "Me? Why me?" He exclaimed.

"Well, would yeh rather me go?" Asked Hagrid, at which Harry hastily grabbed Malfoy's arm and dragged him away to a clearing well away.

Just in the middle of a gorgeous sh*t, a dark black shape loomed and came closer, "AAAAAAHHH!" Screamed Malfoy and ran.

"_Help, help!" Yelled Harry. He saw a glimpse of a unicorn head. Quickly, he ran as fast as he could to Hogwarts. "Who's idea of a detention was this? Filch?" Harry yelled._

"_What do you want?" Filch yelled while walking slowly towards them. "And what's all the rush?"_

"_Blue object in the forest, Filch!" Harry answered._

"_Really?"_

**Filch stepped into his path, "You must go and investigate it, then." He said nastily. When Harry tried to protest, Filch hit him in the balls and forced him back into the forest.**

**Alone and scared, Harry tiptoed back through the forest, jumping at every cracking twig, drifting leaf and loud fart.**

**Then he saw it. The terrible scene.**

**The unicorn was lying dead on the ground in a pool of very fake-looking blood. A dark figure was humping it and sighing blissfully.**

**Harry screamed loud, long and clear. The dark shape looked up and slowly walked towards him.**

**Suddenly, a centaur appeared out of nowhere, knocked the figure to the ground and peed on it. When it was done, the centaur tossed the unconscious body aside and said, "Quick, get onto my back!"**

"**You're not going to rape me, are you?" Harry asked, terrified.**

"**If you don't get onto my back right now, I will." The centaur said. Harry hastily obeyed. "Mother f**cker." The centaur muttered, lighting a cigarette, "Only Lord Voldemort would even _dream_ of humping a unicorn." He said, "It's so evil! It stops you from dying even if you're just about to, but you end up living a cursed life."**

"**What's your name?" Asked Harry as the centaur sped through the trees... Literally.**

"**Oh, I'm Fired." Said the centaur casually, "I was fired out of my mother's vagina when I was born."**

"**That's... Lovely." Said Harry, "So, you think that was Lord Vol-"**

"**Harry!" Hermione and Ron were running up to them, Hagrid was pissing a=in a bush. "Thank f**k you're ok!"**

Fired bowed low to Hagrid who hastily pulled up his pants and grinned, "How's the raping business going, 'ol buddy?" Asked Hagrid with a chuckle.

"Brilliant. I raped a young lass several days ago. Blonde hair, slim figure, mmm." Said Fired. As he said that, Malfoy suddenly blushed a deep red. "Well, I gotta go now. Cya, harry and watch out. Danger is near." Then Fired walked away, putting out his cigarette.

Just then, Filch spoke, saying "Holy!"

"You were just dreaming." Hagrid said hastily, grabbing his shoulder and steering him back, "Just dreaming. Come on, we should all go now. Enough excitement for the night."


	10. The Trapdoor of Insanity

**HPP Ch 10**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Meadows91_

Anonymous

"**_Blow job_." Said Hermione to the portrait of the Obese Lady. The Obese Lady swung aside to reveal the Griffindor Common Room. The common room was completely empty except for Lavender Brown, but she was knocked unconscious when Harry hit her on the head with a chair.**

"**I have to tell you two something." Harry said, tossing Lavender's body into a pirate chest and closing the lid, "Lord Voldemort was in the Forbidden Forest and he humped a unicorn."**

**Hermione gasped in horror and her hand flew to her mouth. Ron didn't seem to be bothered, he just shoved a whole poo-chocolate cake into his mouth, "So?" He mumbled.**

"**That means- Oh, for gosh sakes, Ron!" Hermione muttered, pulling the cake out of Ron's mouth, "Voldemort is going to go through the trapdoor to get the Philosopher's Stone!"**

"**Huh?" Asked Harry and Ron in unison.**

**Hermione sighed, "Let me explain..."**

"See, the Philosopher's Stone is a very special object. It's long and big and it-" Hermione started before Ron interrupted her through through the big mouthful of cake he had just snatched back from her.

"What? Long and big? Sounds like my d*ck!"

Harry only sniggered.

"No, no, no!" Snapped Hermione, "It's nothing like that at all! It's a stone which has magical powers and can grant life!"

"Like my penis." Said Ron, "Now that can _make_ life!"

Hermione tutted disapprovingly, "Well, it can turn base metals into gold!"

"Same as how my cock can turn what I eat into smegma-" Ron said, but that was the last straw.

"WILL YOU LET ME FINISH!?" Shouted Hermione.

"What? Telling us disturbing stuff?" Ron said. Harry collapsed into a fit of laughter.

Hermione looked near desperate now, "Well look guys, can you please-"

"Su-" Ron began.

"I will not suck your d*ck if that's what you were going to say!" Hermione cried.

Ron looked astonished, "I was going to say: 'Such an important stone should not get into the hands of Voldemort'!"

"Yeah." Agreed Harry, "Who's got the dirty mind now?"

"You guys!" Screeched Hermione as Harry and Ron sniggered and thumped each other on the back in triumph."

**xXx**

**The trip to the trapdoor wasn't as long as they expected. They made Filch's head swell up and set a prefect's hair on fire in order to distract them long enough so they could duck from one hiding spot to the next. Eventually, they reached the door that had Fluffy behind it and Ron took out Dean's miniature piano.**

"**Ready?" He asked as he handed it to Hermione. Hermione nodded, "Good."**

**And with that, they opened the door and all three of them faced the vicious, slobbering guard dog.**

'Ding, dang, dong, dong, dong', came the sound of Hermione playing the piano.

"Aww man, can't you play some other notes now?" Asked Ron.

"Yeah, don't you know any songs? Such as Mary Had A Little Lamb Who Got Turned Into Lamb Chops In The End?" Harry Questioned.

"Lamp chops! D*cklicious!" Ron exclaimed.

Hermione threw her hands up in defeat, "Well, it's not my fault I never got past second grade piano!" She wailed shrilly, continued to play the out of tune, screechy songs.

"Well, no wonder why you're bad!" Ron concluded.

"Let's not argue." Said Harry, "Anyway, regardless of whether Hermione's piano playing is good to our ears or not, it seems to have done the trick." And he was right, the poor dog, Fluffy emitted a sort of groaning at Hermione's playing and kept whimpering while placing it's paws over it's ears. Finally, it toppled over unconscious, and revealed the trapdoor. Hermione stopped her playing and Fluffy emitted a grunt which sounded remarkably like 'thank God'.

"**Ok, I'll just jump down that trapdoor even though we don't know what's lurking down there in the darkness." Said Harry, "If I scream, don't come down. If I scream, come down to help me." And with that, our hero bravely jumped down through the trapdoor, ignoring Hermione's offer to make a magical parachute and a torch.**

**It was only after Harry had been falling through the blackness for five minutes when it occurred to him that if he hit the ground, he'd most definitely die straight away. Just as he was about to scream, he hit thing that was as soft as a woman's boobies.**

"**It's ok, you can come down!" Harry called up to his friends. Five minutes later, Ron landed next to him and sighed blissfully as he landed. Hermione came down soon after, took one look at what they were sitting on and scampered away, "Oh no! You're sitting on booby blast!" She exclaimed.**

**Ron blinked at her, "What?"**

"**Booby blast, it sucks it's victims inside of it!" Hermione shouted, "How are we going to get rid of it?"**

"_How would I know?" Harry yelled._

"Hey, I suddenly remember but I can't do it because I don't have a taser!" Hermione screamed, wringing her hands in the air.

"Well, borrow mine!" Screamed Ron, chucking a large metal taser at Hermione.

"Wait, YOU have a taser?" Shouted Harry.

"Yeah, I carry it around with me almost all the time." Announced Ron matter-of-factly.

"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU USE IT TO ZAP FLUFFY?" Harry shouted angrily, "Then my eardrums wouldn't have had to suffer from Hermione's awful playing!"

"I thought YOU were the one telling ME not to criticize her playing! And now YOU'RE doing it!" Snapped Ron.

Hermione sniffed sadly as she zapped the boob plant, which lay motionless, "Come on, let's go, and quit arguing, you guys!" She howled in desperation.

"Fine, but I was lying, Ron! Her playing is a piece of cr*p!" Thundered Harry, but he didn't get to say anything else because a big black piece of metal held my Hermione zapped him in the back and a surge of electricity shot through him. After that was silence, then...

"Are you sure you're supposed to do that?" Asked Ron.

"Nope, but it sure felt good." Said Hermione, "Here, help me drag his unconscious body."

She passed Ron's taser back to him, and the two children happily walked onwards, dragging their unconscious companion behind.

"_Why did you zap him?"_

"_He was so annoying!" Hermione answered._

**Hermione immediately regretted zapping Harry once they entered the second room, it was full of flying keys. The keys were obviously alive, because being shut in one room for so long, they had gotten bored and they were tearing each other's wings apart and the floor was covered in a thick layer of feathers. There was a broom leaning against the wall, so someone obviously had to fly and catch the right key to open the door. The problem was, Hermione couldn't fly, and Ron's d*ck was too big, it would get in the way and give him a wedgie.**

"Great, now what do we do?" Hermione thought aloud.

Ron rolled his eyes at her, "Quit your useless whining and pass me the broom!" He announced. Hermione did so and Ron grabbed it. He took a huge bite out of the handle and chewed thoughtfully. "Mmm... Wood. Not so bad!" He exclaimed.

"RON!" Screamed Hermione, snatching the broom out of his hands.

"Wha? Oh yeah." Muttered Ron, taking the broom back, "See, this is what you do." Then he whacked Harry over the head with the broom several times, Harry screamed and sat bolt upright. "See, problem solved. Now Harry, here's a broom. You know what to do, right?" Ron said, passing the broom.

"Oh yeah!" Screamed Harry and he started galloping around, squatting at the flying keys, screaming "Lalala, chasing pretty butterflies!"

"NO, YOU IDIOT! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO IT!" Thundered Ron, grabbing the broom out of Harry's hand and thumping him over the head with it.

"Ah, oh right..." Harry murmured, grabbing the broom back and hopping on it. With one powerful kick, he pushed off the ground.

"Finally, he gets it..." Hermione muttered out of the corner of her mouth.

**Harry stared at the hundreds of keys, which one was the right one? He snatched 20 of the keys into his arms and flew back down to Ron and Hermione.**

"**Great idea!" Said Ron, shoving a random key into the keyhole.**

"**Yeah, we can be here for years." Hermione muttered, "Well, I had a look at the lock and I found the right key." **

**Harry and Ron stared at her, "What?" They asked in unison.**

**Hermione held up a rusty key the colour of poo. "It was on the ground." She explained as she stuck it into the lock and turned it. The door opened.**

"**Glad you came." Ron muttered.**

_The next room had a checkered floor, "Hey, this is a chess board!" Ron said._

"_Well, of course it is!" Hermione said._

"Hey, look there's two empty spaces!" Harry exclaimed.

"Yeah, but there's only three of us!" Hermione pointed out.

"Oh, no worries, I'll get rid of one of the players!" Ron announced merrily.

"And how would you do that?" Questioned Hermione skeptically.

"By eating it, of course!" Ron exclaimed. Then he nibbled a knight chess piece meatless in 3 seconds and took it's place, licking his lips as he patted his newly grown pot belly happily.

"**You're weird." Said Hermione.**

"**Yep, I know!" Said Ron happily, "Come on, let's play our way to the other end!"**

"**Which type of 'play'?" Asked Harry.**

"**Both!"**

**Hermione glared at Ron until he said that he was just joking. Then she and Harry took their positions on the board and began to play. The real shock came when the first piece was taken, the white queen jumped on top of the defenseless pawn and started humping it. Then it tossed the piece aside.**

"_Go diagonally, Harry!" Ron yelled._

"_But I'll be taken!" Harry exclaimed._

"No, Ron will go." Announced Hermione, she swallowed.

"Right, I go. You checkmate the king by going diagonally." Ron said. Harry nodded. "Yea, and remember this, if anyone dies, I love you all as friends."

"Best friends." Hermione announced with tears in her eyes. Then Ron moved forward and the white queen jumped on top of him and raped him, causing Ron to scream in agony.

"Oh sh*t, I hope he was worth it." Hermione murmured under her breath.

**Harry's eyes widened, he was now able to take the king and win the game! "YARRR!" He screamed, charging at the shocked king, jumping onto it's back an thrusting his pelvis up and down. The king moaned and collapsed. Harry and Hermione ran straight for the exit, the door sprang open when they reached it and they burst into the room, finding themselves face-to-face with another mountain troll.**

"_Damn it!" Harry said._

"_Run for it! I'll distract it!" Hermione said._

"_Fine!" Harry answered, running._

**Hermione pulled her pants down and flashed a moony at the troll while Harry ran around it. When he reached the door, he turned and fired a hex up the troll's arse. The troll howled like a constipated wolf and fell flat on it's face. **

"**Come on!" Harry said, grabbing Hermione by the arm and together, they ran through the door into a room with a table. Placed on the table were seven bottles and a roll of parchment. **

"Okay, we figure this out, then you take Ron back and contact Dumbledore." Hurry muttered. Hermioe nodded while she unrolled the parchment which read:

Hello, faithful traveler.

Or bumbling idiot.

You have reached my fancy potions thing,

So drink a potion if you dare, and lick my fancy bling.

There are seven potions so awesomistic,

However, four are plain toxic.

One will transport you beyond the track,

While the other would take the drinker back.

And the other is just plain old wine of no use,

Anyway, here are some hints and clues:

These hints won't make any sense.

Neither will the clues.

The blue drink is drinkable.

The small black vial is small and black.

Puzzle on these clues too long and you will go crazy.

"Oh dear!" Muttered Harry.

"_So, which one should I take?" Asked Harry._

**Hermione thought for a minute and then pointed to the small, black vial, "You will take that one." She said, "I'll take this one." She pointed to a large, apricot coloured vial in the shape of a pen*s. She picked it up and drank from it, making it look like she was sucking a d*ck. When she was done, she explained the plan.**

"**Right, this is what's going to happen." She said, "I'm going to go back and wake Ron. Then he and I will go and send and owl to Dumbled*ck."**

"**You mean Dumbledore." Harry corrected.**

"**Whatever." Said Hermione, "Meanwhile, you're going to go and beat the hell out of Snape... Or Voldemort, whoever's there. Kapish?"**

"**Yeah, I'll just try not to get killed." Said Harry.**

**Hermione stepped forward and kissed him, "You're a billion times sexier than Ron." She murmured before turning and walking back through the door. **

**Harry turned back and drank from his vial. It tasted of biggots and he eagerly drank it all. He then turned to face the flaming door.**

Harry took a deep breath before he stepped through the door. The hot, searing flames shook through him as he screamed and screamed. He clutched blindly at the air until he tripped over something and rolled into a chamber, landing face-down.

"Ow!" I thought it wouldn't hurt!" Harry cried in agony, but then he suddenly realized that his body was pleasantly not hurting.

"Of course it would hurt, you idiot! It just doesn't do any lasting harm!" Sneered a voice. Harry slowly got up and gasped at what he saw.

Professor Quirrell was wearing a hot pink, skintight leotard with his turban still on. Behind him was a large, long mirror reflecting Quirrell's back view and showing the back of his d*ck. Harry groaned. "What have I done to deserve this?" He moaned.


	11. The Final Showdown

**HPP Chapter 11**

**Anonymous2**

_Josie Ginny Meadows91 (thedogzwayaroundlife)_

Anonymous

"_Come here, Potty." Quirrell said, "Look at this lump of glass- I mean, mirror." Harry tried to get up, "Hurry up, Potty." Harry quickly jumped up. He went over to the large piece of glass. "What do you see, Potty?" Quirrell asked, "Tell me or else I'll kill you."_

**Harry stared into the glass, trying hard not to look down at the reflection of Quirrell's 'groin lump'. In the mirror, he saw his reflection wink flirtily at him, reach into his underwear and pull out a lump of rock.**

**_The Philosopher's Stone!_ Harry realized.**

"**Well, Potty Poo?" Asked Quirrell, "Whaddya see? I'll give you some tooshie rolls if you tell the truth!" He leaned forward and licked Harry who winced. Quirrell's turban stank like a sewer.**

**Harry knew that he couldn't let Quirrell get his hands on the Philosopher's Stone (aka, lump of rock). He had to lie. "I see myself having s*x with Hermione!"**

"You liar!" Cried Quirrell, "You've already had s*x with Hermione! Now I shall kill you!" hen he pointed his wand at a stereo in the corner and yowled, "Hit me baby, one more time!" Striptease music roared to life and Quirrell slowly peeled off his turban while doing the pelvis thrust. When he was finished, he turned around and revealed a hideously livid fat face on the back of his head.

"What?" Snapped the face, "I haven't done any proper exercise in a year... Of course it's natural for me to gain a few pounds!"

"_No!" Harry screamed, "Not mental torture! Kill me now!"_

"**Mwahaha!" Shouted Quirrell, "Never! Not until you help me find the Philosopher's Stone!"**

**Then Harry had an idea. He pulled the lump of rock out of his pocket, "Knock on the sky and listen to the sound!" He announced. To his delight, the stone glowed red "When in doubt, ask your mind and your mind will ask your doubt to go away." He continued.**

"**AUGH!" Quirrell screamed, covering his ears, "He's torturing us with philosophy and the stone's making it twice as powerful!"**

"We have to do our last resort!" Howled Voldemort in rage, "Physical attack!"

Quirrell then ran toward Harry with his arms outstretched. Harry screamed and automatically raised his arms to defend himself – but upon contact with Harry, Quirrell moaned and dropped back, clutching himself.

"Hurry up, Quirrell! What's taking you SO LONG?!" Screeched Voldemort.

"It hurts, it hurts!" Wailed Quirrell, melting to dust. Then Harry witnessed a phenomenon that had never been witnessed before. A billowing ghostly figure emerged from Quirrell's body, a surreal image of a pale fat man in transparent robes. The man (Voldemort) stuck up his rude finger at Harry, then flew through the wall. Harry then collapsed just as Hermione and Dumbledore's voices sounded behind him.

_Harry woke up._

**He was lying in the hospital wing in a bed. Next to him was a pile of wizarding junk food that ut Fred and George had probably stolen from the candy lady on the Hogwarts Express. Harry would have been perfectly fine with his surroundings if Dumbledore wasn't sitting by his bed, grinning like a crackhead.**

"I don't feel to well, I'd better go back to sleep." Harry quickly muttered, fake snoring. But Dumbledore kept talking as if he hadn't said anything.

"The Philosopher's stone has been destroyed." He announced.

"Good." Muttered Harry in his fake sleep.

"But Lord Voldemort is still out there and alive... In the meantime, lollies?" Dumbledore tipped the contents of a Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Beans packet in Harry's open mouth, then disappeared.

**A few days later...**

"**Glad you're alive, mate." Said Ron as he, Harry and Hermione made their way to the Great Hall. Dumbledore had called the whole school to a meeting for no apparent reason.**

**When they got there and sat down at their tables, Dumbledore got up and grinned creepily at all the students, "I've got some very important announcements to make." He told them.**

"Which is, I've decided to make Griffindor win the house cup because that's the house the main characters are in." Said Dumbledore to cheers from the Griffindor house.

"**WHAT?" Shouted Snape.**

**Dumbledore ignored him, "As well as that, the Hogwarts Express is going to pick you all up this afternoon and take you all home."**

"**But we've only been here for less than a week!" A Ravenclaw student protested.**

**Dumbledore smiled, "I want your heads to be as empty as they possibly can, and the best way to do that is by ensuring that you get no education at all!"**

**Ron grinned, "He's the best headmaster ever!" He cheered.**

**Xxx**

_Harry hopped off the Hogwarts Express_

**to see the Dreaded Dursleys standing at Platform 9 ¾. Harry gulped, "H-how did they get here?" He stammered, horrified.**

**Ron shoved a chocolate frog into his mouth, "Dunno." He mumbled, holding another out to Harry, "Want one?"**

"**Here, let me help." Said Hermione, pointing her want at Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia. "**_**Flipendo**_**!" At once, the two adults were hit by a hex that caused them to fly backwards onto the railroad track just as another train drove along, squishing them dead. Since no one really liked them, everyone cheered except for Dudley, who was immediealty whisked off to an orphanage by two wizards who were trained to automatically apparate up to every new, unnatended orphan.**

**Harry smiled at Hermione, "Thanks!" He said.**

**Hermione smiled back, "Hey, no prob, babe." She said, hugging him, "You can always blame it on Malfoy." As if on cue, a group of Wizard Cops appeared and dragged the screaming boy off to Wizarding Jail.**

**Then a pudgy witch waddled up, "Why, hello, Ronnykins!" Said Mrs Weesely, "Squishing up her son's face, "Aww, you're such a big boy, now!"**

**Ron grinned at her, "I know, I slept with Lavender Brown last night!"**

**Harry suddenly had an idea, "Hey, Ron? Mrs Weesely?"**

"**Yes, Harry-Rarry?" Said Mrs Weesely, squsing up Harry's face as well.**

"**Since my aunt and uncle are dead, can I live with you, now?"**

"**Of couse!" Mrs Weesely exclaimed, hugging Harry and almost sufforcating him with all her fat.**

**After saying goodbye to Hermione, Harry, Ron, Mrs Weesely, Mr Weesely and their 7 billion children piled into Mr Weesely's illegal flying bus and drove toward the Weesely's MoleHole.**

**Harry was happier than he had ever been in his life. He had a hot and smart girlfriend, he had a best friend who was always willing to give him snacks, his mean aunt and uncle were dead, he went to an awesome school whose headmaster didn't give a crap about education, Malfoy was in prison and he, Harry Potter was on his way to live with his best friend. Despite the face the Lord Voldemort was on the loose, Harry felt as if he was leading the best life ever.**

"**Suck my d*ck, Mouldy Shorts!" Harry whispered.**

_**The End!**_

**For now... Maybe.**


End file.
